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I was fortunate to have one-on-one time with one of my sons the other day to catch-up with each other’s comings and goings. Interesting how busy we can become and how most
communication today is done through electronic means rather then face-to-face,
or over the phone. But that is another subject for another day.
The next day I took something to him and once
again, it was just the two of us. (Golly, the blessings just keep appearing!) I
took the opportunity to tell him about some thoughts I had after our conversation
the day before. He quickly said, “Mom, don’t overthink this, you seem to
process everything,” or something close to those words. I looked at his face
and said, “I do think about things, and I realized that I really did not
encourage you to talk more about how you felt about what you told me.” With
that, we had conversation on a deeper level.
True to my son’s observations, I left
“thinking about thinking,” and what I realized was there are many reasons a
person chooses to “think some more” about something. Sometimes people continue
to think about conversations so they can understand the person more clearly,
and to be certain one understands another, we often need to ask more
questions.
Feelings are a vital aspect in the words that
are spoken. It is one thing to hear someone talk, and quite another to
recognize the feelings behind those words. It is in those feelings we learn how
to love and support people in our life.
All too often we think about conversations
only to figure out what they meant, if we did or said anything to offend them,
or to help a person figure things out.
If we choose the later, we may then begin thinking about solutions or
options. All of that is positive in that the intentions come from a place of
being helpful. However, if we do not listen to the feelings, any action we take
can be interpreted as thinking we know more then they do, and that often only
feeds the feelings behind the words. Fact of the matter is, more times then
not, it often feeds the dilemma in the situation being shared.
In my many years working with people I have
learned that often simply knowing someone really hears your feelings is the
best assistance needed in nearly every situation. There is much clarity that
comes when someone you speak to can reflect back to you what they hear you
feeling. And, you know, if the feeling they observe doesn’t seem to fit for
you, then you have another avenue for more conversation by sharing what you do
feel.
We don’t want to be psychotherapist; there
are qualified people to do that. What we want is to be compassionate human
beings, and connecting to others in real conversation, where a person talks and
the other person listens is the only way to truly develop that skill. So,
consider “thinking” to seek more understand and see what happens.